#(might've been more or less time idk i wasn't watching the clock)

[fantasticcloudcreation]

More rambling hehe slander is on rn and I have a headache and I might be having a heart attack but it's probably just this low simmer panic I've been sitting with all night and there's only an hour left and I'm gonna get thru it

You know what? It's fine. I'm surviving. I'm getting paid to be here and maybe I'll hit overtime this week bc of this shift. Nothing matters, I'm not special or important, I'm just another number on the roster, it's fine. There's only an hour left and then I can go relax at the hotel for an hour and come back in the morning :)

I'm gonna get back on track with food + exercise this week, I'm gonna hang out with L and get as much time with him as I can, I won't be so grumpy because none of this even matters, let it go.

I'm skinny and if I stay on top of my shit this week I'll be 105 or lower whenever I find a scale. I'll get to go home for thanksgiving (cold weather + hug my family) and then I might come back to Miami for the next gig, might not, it doesn't matter either way. (Realistically I probably will and it might suck but it might not suck, who knows.) Next year I'll plan ahead to Not be in Florida for the entire fall + winter seasons :)

Everything is fine. I'm surviving. There are worse jobs lmfao. There are better jobs too! Right now I'm here and it's fine! Most days I love my job and it's unfortunate that this gig hasn't had many of those days but you know what, it's fine, none of it matters!!!

Tomorrow will be a better day. Load out is easy, you just take things apart and put them in boxes. There's so many people on this call, I can fuck around and just pretend it's a workout and talk shit with my coworkers and it's gonna be fine.

My phone hasn't died even though I've been on it for almost 10 hours straight, old phone would've been dead twice by now. Even if I had a book or activity it's too dark down here to see anything, I would've had to sit out in the open somewhere on some random box, this is better. I feel like today's shift has been the equivalent of "a watched pot never boils" except you know what, it does eventually boil, and a 12 hour shift with Zero tasks also eventually ends! It's almost time to start packing my shit up and go sit somewhere visible so bossman can tell me when it's over lol.

Life is funny. I feel like I've gotten over something tonight, not sure what exactly. This music is still getting louder, idk how they do it. I feel like my ears hurt even through the earplugs. But it's fine and I'm feeling better than I did when I got here. I also didn't actually cry the entire time! Almost cried once, had a lot of low level panic energy and a big mope, feeling ok right now (maybe bc it's almost over.) I guess the lesson is, no matter how unpleasant the situation, just make yourself as comfortable as possible and wait it out? Nothing lasts forever.

How silly that people pay thousands of dollars to attend this event and I've just been complaining and resisting the entire thing; I'm being paid to be here and I can't even enjoy it ? / But it's not my vibe and I would've never come here if I didn't have work, and now I know not to work it again next year. It's all fine.

I guess there's something to be said about learning how to surrender and accept whatever unpleasant environment you find yourself in, there's a lot of potential for growth if you can meditate your way through it. The music hasn't been terrible and I might've had a better time on a different day (if I wasn't on the clock and I could've done drugs haha)

But, ayy, 9:56. Bossman said expect to get cut around 10 or 11 so it could be any minute now :) maybe I'll pack up and go sit somewhere with less bass resonance; there's not a lot of good options for seating out there but maybe I'll socialize for the last bit of the night.

Whatever. Nothing matters. The bass vibrations feel kinda cool and at least this guy has variety between his songs. Maybe L will come back soon but I know he wants to see John summit so maybe I'll be driving myself home and he'll find another ride, or maybe he'll try to talk me into going over there with him, or maybe we're actually staying until midnight for some reason, who knows, I don't know shit, I'm tired of all of this, I'm just here and I'm just existing. As soon as I can leave this place, I will be. I'm gonna go check in with bossman and see what the deal is about cut times.

[miscellaneous--bones]

yo what happened to your arm?